Ice cracker!

I have not blogged for so long it is frightening! I guess my silence is due to a number of reasons like motivation, that awful busyness we get into into and a lack of inspiration. Now there is so much to say, I hardly know where to begin, so Ill take this a step at a time and ease myself slowly back into this blogging thing again. Ill start with a neutral event first, the latest Landrover trial.

Just outside Pretoria is a camping and 4x4 place called Diggers Hole. It had been raining a lot over the last few weeks just before the trial there, which made the area lovely to look at - green and lush, and dust free. we arrived on the Friday after work, and set up camp. The bird-life was fantastic, and I spotted a Kingfisher, a few Barbets, and a few Bee-eaters, such lovely birds to spot.

On the saturday morning, Kev was giving the driving training class to a group of landrover Owner club members, some of them new to the club, and then later took them to the trial and training area for some practical training.

Sunday was the trial, it was well attended, and I helped to keep Kev company at his post - gate number 53, which involved a short drive through some muddy water, touch a pole in the middle of the mud with the front of your vehicle and then reverse out again! not as easy as it sounds when the mud is thick and clayey! Only two vehicles managed to do this without assistance. There were some incredibly scary and challenging obstacles to on the course, and the new Defenders and Discos breezed them with ease.

When everyone was packing up and the trial was ended, prizes given, and dust settled, Mike decided he wanted to go and do some of the obstacles for fun in his Isuzu 4x4 bakkie. We went too in our Series 11a, and another friend Martin, went in his fancy Discovery. I drove the series landy! I did a daunting uphilll axle twister, a steep down hill donga, a series of twists and turns and LOVED it. I was drenched with perspiration from adrenalin, fear and effort!

Martin mentioned that he would like to experience driving the Series IIone day and so as there is no time like the present, I suggested he drive right then. Mike invited me into his Isuzu to experience the ride, and we had FUN! with a capital F!! Mike attempted a SERIOUS uphill with lots of muddy water! Wow, with Mike's incredible driving skill and the diff locks in place, the Isuzu breezed it!

I could not believe it when Kev did the same in the Series vehicle. (Martin chickened out at that point and did not attempt to take the series himself so gave it back to Kev until after that obstacle. ) Martin gained new respect for me after he drove our Landy - it is not for sissies!

broken the silence....

Have i broken the silence? Was it against some unwritten law? Did I invade a personal space not meant for me? have i broken the silence? that sacred silence.....never meant to be broken, no right to invade that deathly silence! shhhh...I need to think! Get out of my life - out now, stay away! stay out of my silence please you are making a noise, you are invading my private bubble! friends...?? oh yes now i remember, we said we would be friends... how can we be friends after such as this? Never, it will never be, so get out, stay out, keep away. You. You, broke the silence. Stay away!

The happy blog

I love this blog by Jen Lemen ! She said ''I have lived in serious community with various neighbors and friends for most of my adult life. This includes sharing meals, taking money off your dresser when I’m broke (sorry Ray) and generally spending 80% of our waking non-working hours doing life together. While some people would find this stifling, this has been a great source of joy for me and my family. I only realized recently that this was something I try to create and not something that happens by magic (though I’m sure some magic sure does help).''

I wish I could live like that and love and trust the way she does. I wish I could embrace life and live it and not be bogged down by stifling rules and protocol, and lack of freedom and caring. Believing that if you give an inch people will take a mile! maybe they would and maybe they do, but is it worth the risk and worth taking the chance? What would jesus do in my community? How would He live - I wish i knew! He would not preserve Himself to the point of selfish living - what is the point?

stressful week!

One of the courses I conducted brings out quite a fair bit of personal deep emotions, and this one person came to have a personal heart to heart with me at tea time. We talked about relationships and some interesting points came out in the conversation as well as some interesting inner feelings or realisations and thoughts- in me ( I did not share these with the person then because it was not appropriate, but I will share them now with some of the aspects based on this conversation briefly summarised in this blog)

Firstly, no surprise, woman and men are different. We have different ways of approaching emotional issues and especially romance.

I know that within my close relationship I need some strong reassurance quite often about being special to the person, important, loved, cared for, and need to know that all is well, even though I am not really insecure.

It is these little nice things that keep me happy, and I am quite easy to please really, appreciating little gestures, (caring sms's, maybe some warm e-mails, running my bath water etc) not expecting huge big or expensive things, and I really look forward to those little things very much.

Even my friendships - I do not ask for a lot, but I do need to know my friends care for me and about me, it is important to me. Those little things go a long way to keep me happy for ages, like a teaspoon of petrol in a mini!

Men show their romantic sides a little differently, and I have learned to see their ways with new eyes, and appreciate that it is not going to be roses or chocolates always, if ever, but its often those little things - like for example, making sure you get to your car ok and that you are safe before they leave you, or helping you carry something heavy, or many other small things they do which makes us ladies feel loved and cared for. Those things are special, and show they care.

The part I don't enjoy really or understand fully about men, and the part that seems to bother quite few of us ladies, and the person who spoke to me on Thursday, is the cold 'out of sight out of mind' 'attitude' that men can adopt so easily, leaving a huge gap but then they still expect a warm loving response to them on their return.

It does not have the effect of making the heart grow fonder, or make you more valued as 'hard to get'- it makes a sad partner who misses you and wants some quality contact, and gets her to begin feeling why should she bother at all.

I am no advice expert, but this got me thinking, and I want to ask the question - "men, don't hide behind the excuse of being just a dof guy, why do you do this when its so easy to change this 'attitude' and has a lovely huge reward for a very small effort?" don't be afraid to show you care, and don't be afraid to love! Life is too short for those games you know!

Anyway, maybe I am generalising too much, but it does seem to be the rule rather than the exception in my experiences?

Life's opportunities and challenges!

Hi everyone!

I have not had a chance to blog for ages, so I decided this morning that in spite of work pressures I felt like blogging! I don't even know if anyone reads them actually, not that it matters I suppose, but if you do, will you leave a comment or two so that I know? I think I blog more for my good really, than for anyone else to read!

I have had an extremely challenging year from many angles, and I thought it would be nice to explore them a bit and see how I have fared. I have literally built bridges, travelled to adventurous places, steered my career to new levels, coped with incredible emotional ups and many downs, had killer work pressures and deadlines to meet, had fun and some special romance, passed some crucial exams and so much more. There is NEVER a dull moment in my life.

Firstly, family wise: my children all moved out at various times over the last two years, and I had to adjust to the vast emptiness that leaves behind with it. Not that I was sad that they are able to leave and go ahead with their own lives, it is more an adjustment to arranging suppers or times together with them and the challenge of keeping in touch as they forge their new lives, and get busy. We still love to do things together so it is great when we do get together. I would like to do it more often in the new year.

The other huge challenge for me was that Kevin's parents aged considerably virtually overnight and it has been very difficult balancing family commitments, running a home, career and meeting their endless needs compassionately. We are alone in this with no help from any other family members so it means we need to be on 24 hour standby, and drop everything if they need shopping, or doctors visits or medicine or if they fall or are ill or lonely and cook them meals etc. We do it with love, but it can wear you down to the bone, and is exhausting and back breaking to spend a great deal of the night up with an ailing parent and then to be ready for a full days work on your feet that same morning.

My career has been taking huge amounts of time as it just blossomed out this year. No money yet, sadly - we still live from month to month, but I am hoping to put some meat on the ribs this year coming. I have been laying the foundations and lots of amazing opportunities have presented themselves! But with these opportunities came LOADS and LOADS of work and stress because it was new and mostly unknown. I met deadlines that would make your hair curl, and achieved instant 'knowledge' of stuff i had never heard of the day before, and I had to learn everything from scratch and then be good enough at it to 'train' it the next day. Nearly everything had to be created from scratch. HOURS and hours of work. I didn't know I had it me! :)

Financially - we are hoping that with all kiddywinkles out of university, and working at last, we will be able to get on our feet a bit. It is always a struggle, but not any different to what we are used to. I just wish the amount of income = the amount of work!! that would be nice.

Kevin is as patient as he can be, and tries to understand. He always supports me fantastically but I think there were times when he felt the stresses and the neglect of family time that I had to forfeit often due to work load. He is more than wonderful with helping when it is needed.

I hope next year is still full of challenges, but I would like it to be a little easier, less busy and more money maybe? I want more family time and more fun definitely. I will drive the landy more. We'll see - as my one friend would say - que sera sera!

Upington!

I have just come back from a lovely walk along the banks of the Orange River, aka the Gariep Rivier. It is beautiful, a perfect oasis, winding through a desert landscape. A long necked water-bird swooped down right into the water and caught a fish almost as big as he was!

The early morning flight I was on gave a full picture of the vast expanse of the landscape around here, very harsh, dry, broken only by the huge winding river.

I am staying in a lovely place called Africa River lodge. Very comfortable. I still have some last minute preparations to do tonight, but tomorrow my training venue is less than 2 minutes away! What luxury. :)

hospital and tiny creatures!!

I am lying here with an excruciating headache. that's not an unusual symptom of tick bite fever. (tbf) Yes, can you believe it, I went for a walk with my daughter in our local park, and found tick firmly attached between my toes when i bathed that night. I kinda expected the TBF, but not the complications I got too which landed me in hospital.

You see to put it in non-medical terms: what i got was:

tbf + mental + physical exhaustion + too much emotional STRESS = happy holiday for nasty virus buggy things, which kick you when you're down - nice hey!? which = doctor sending you off to hospital = £$R = more stress!!

Anyways, here i am back at home with an excruciating headache! :)

They say:

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but I choose to be from the Heavenly gang, and angels hath no fury!" - by me, in one of my contemplative moments

Building bridges on woman's day!

Watch this space! more details to follow


START....Finish....

Not sleeping at night!

Night time is for sleeping - that is what I have always said to people who tell me that they pace the floor or count sheep all night or lie awake for endless hours thinking things through! Well, guess what! I have joined the wakeful night society now too. It is subtle, and it is not every night, because sometimes I am so exhausted I fall asleep into a deep coma!

But lately I have been lying on my bed, eyes wide open for hours, just thinking. Churning thoughts and emotions over and over in my head. I feel as if I am churning up an ulcer! It is awful! Your body is tired, you want sleep so desperately and you crave a respite from the endless thoughts and unreasonable fears that then crop up - those irrational fears that only the dead of night can bring, and then the sunshine in the morning makes those very things you were afraid of seem silly.

Someone told me that our irrational fears are real and need to be treated as real, silly things like hating it if you are in a room and the door is closed or locked, (causing panic rising up in you) or like crying in front of people - (Panic that you feel your tears gives 'other' people the right to make decisions for you and takes away your control)- those kind of 'silly' fears! But I didn't get to ask what next, what do you do about them? How do you deal with them? Do you need to deal with them? I wonder? Who knows, anyone out there know?

I miss my peaceful sleep, miss the good night's rest, and I am starting to pay the price for it physically and emotionally a bit. Maybe I need a good decent long holiday! :)

Space space space.........

Boy, do i have space now! All the kiddy winkles have moved out, and although Kirk still has a load of stuff to fetch, we have a home that has loads of space! Life is completely the wrong way round, for example: we have space when we don't need it anymore, and money when its not as vital, and can afford a large car when a small one will do, and wisdom when its not valued, we have freedom when we're too old to enjoy it!! I think I want to grow up to be a kid!

I am enjoying myself - rearranging everything, finding a place for all the camping gear, making the flat nice - . the new tiles in the bathroom worked out so nicely! I will take a piccy or two once finished and post it here -> ....

I also learned that to love those people who we should care about, is the way life is meant to be, even if they are difficult, obnoxious, ungrateful or fussy. When you show love, and are kind and gentle, you feel good about yourself, and pass on love to the other soul! Not always easy, but always necessary. So, just love! :)