Night time is for sleeping - that is what I have always said to people who tell me that they pace the floor or count sheep all night or lie awake for endless hours thinking things through! Well, guess what! I have joined the wakeful night society now too. It is subtle, and it is not every night, because sometimes I am so exhausted I fall asleep into a deep coma!
But lately I have been lying on my bed, eyes wide open for hours, just thinking. Churning thoughts and emotions over and over in my head. I feel as if I am churning up an ulcer! It is awful! Your body is tired, you want sleep so desperately and you crave a respite from the endless thoughts and unreasonable fears that then crop up - those irrational fears that only the dead of night can bring, and then the sunshine in the morning makes those very things you were afraid of seem silly.
Someone told me that our irrational fears are real and need to be treated as real, silly things like hating it if you are in a room and the door is closed or locked, (causing panic rising up in you) or like crying in front of people - (Panic that you feel your tears gives 'other' people the right to make decisions for you and takes away your control)- those kind of 'silly' fears! But I didn't get to ask what next, what do you do about them? How do you deal with them? Do you need to deal with them? I wonder? Who knows, anyone out there know?
I miss my peaceful sleep, miss the good night's rest, and I am starting to pay the price for it physically and emotionally a bit. Maybe I need a good decent long holiday! :)
Friday 27 July 2007
Saturday 21 July 2007
Space space space.........
Boy, do i have space now! All the kiddy winkles have moved out, and although Kirk still has a load of stuff to fetch, we have a home that has loads of space! Life is completely the wrong way round, for example: we have space when we don't need it anymore, and money when its not as vital, and can afford a large car when a small one will do, and wisdom when its not valued, we have freedom when we're too old to enjoy it!! I think I want to grow up to be a kid!
I am enjoying myself - rearranging everything, finding a place for all the camping gear, making the flat nice - . the new tiles in the bathroom worked out so nicely! I will take a piccy or two once finished and post it here -> ....
I also learned that to love those people who we should care about, is the way life is meant to be, even if they are difficult, obnoxious, ungrateful or fussy. When you show love, and are kind and gentle, you feel good about yourself, and pass on love to the other soul! Not always easy, but always necessary. So, just love! :)
I am enjoying myself - rearranging everything, finding a place for all the camping gear, making the flat nice - . the new tiles in the bathroom worked out so nicely! I will take a piccy or two once finished and post it here -> ....
I also learned that to love those people who we should care about, is the way life is meant to be, even if they are difficult, obnoxious, ungrateful or fussy. When you show love, and are kind and gentle, you feel good about yourself, and pass on love to the other soul! Not always easy, but always necessary. So, just love! :)
Thursday 12 July 2007
Headless chickens!!
I often dream about getting it all together one day. you know, eating well, sleeping for at least 8 hours, pacing the stress into bite sized chunks instead of huge helpings all the time, going regularly to the gym, drinking all those glasses of water we're supposed to, all that sort of thing. Lately i am not even getting one of those things right. Pace of work, too much on my plate, all these things driving me - no time to relax. My head knows this is not a good balance, I teach about balance, I should be an expert at it, but I cannot seem to get off the hamster wheel long enough to take a breath, and gain my composure.
I was thinking in the bath the other day that dead people no longer have a responsibility or have a care in the world. they do not have to get up early on cold winter mornings anymore, and they have no more of those stressful big decisions to make, about heaven or hell, or anything, but anyway, before I cause any panic about my doleful thoughts, let me reassure you that this is not a death wish, but more the thoughts of a humorous idea of the advantages of being dead - quite a few I could think of!! :) (it's my dad's fault, I think I inherited his dry sense of humour!!)_ its like the joke about the tick bird and the cow in the field - the tick bird is relishing some fat ticks and the cow says, "how can you eat those yukky things?" And the tick bird says, " Try one, you'll like it - just try it!" "you won't know if you like it until you've tried it!"
On that cheerful note, let me say I have come through another CHALLENGING week! What learning experiences I have had - growth and stretching, and working with great people!
I was thinking in the bath the other day that dead people no longer have a responsibility or have a care in the world. they do not have to get up early on cold winter mornings anymore, and they have no more of those stressful big decisions to make, about heaven or hell, or anything, but anyway, before I cause any panic about my doleful thoughts, let me reassure you that this is not a death wish, but more the thoughts of a humorous idea of the advantages of being dead - quite a few I could think of!! :) (it's my dad's fault, I think I inherited his dry sense of humour!!)_ its like the joke about the tick bird and the cow in the field - the tick bird is relishing some fat ticks and the cow says, "how can you eat those yukky things?" And the tick bird says, " Try one, you'll like it - just try it!" "you won't know if you like it until you've tried it!"
On that cheerful note, let me say I have come through another CHALLENGING week! What learning experiences I have had - growth and stretching, and working with great people!
Sunday 8 July 2007
A busy weekend!
We have had a really lovely outdoor weekend! Hardly been home and its been great!
yesterday was Nikita's birthday and she is now 8 years old! Maureen says she is now really growing up.
Today we did a 3 hour hike up a a very steep hill at the back of the botanical gardens, the weather was great and sunny, (except for a chilly wind that blew cold every now and again) and we actually got quite a bit sunburnt despite some sun block cream smeared all over. You can see for miles up there and we had fun. Kevin actually got us lost!!!! (this is unbelievable) we took quite a scenic adventurous detour.
When we eventually, after fighting our way through thick thorny ouchy brambles, got back down we grabbed our picnic basket, flask of tea, and blankets, sat near the stage on the lawn and listened to a live jazz band play some great stuff, and just simply relaxed.
My son moved out today to his own place - scary because he is the last child to leave home, and we shall miss him - but our children must move on in their lives and they must move out! We all helped with some of the moving and luckily being only one person he did not have a lot of stuff to carry up those stairs. His new place is lovely and he can make it very comfortable! I am not going to know what to do with all the space and all the quiet now!! As parents you know the time has to come for your children to leave but it is always a sad time and yet a happy time, and sometimes - ABOUT TIME!! :)
yesterday was Nikita's birthday and she is now 8 years old! Maureen says she is now really growing up.
Today we did a 3 hour hike up a a very steep hill at the back of the botanical gardens, the weather was great and sunny, (except for a chilly wind that blew cold every now and again) and we actually got quite a bit sunburnt despite some sun block cream smeared all over. You can see for miles up there and we had fun. Kevin actually got us lost!!!! (this is unbelievable) we took quite a scenic adventurous detour.
When we eventually, after fighting our way through thick thorny ouchy brambles, got back down we grabbed our picnic basket, flask of tea, and blankets, sat near the stage on the lawn and listened to a live jazz band play some great stuff, and just simply relaxed.
My son moved out today to his own place - scary because he is the last child to leave home, and we shall miss him - but our children must move on in their lives and they must move out! We all helped with some of the moving and luckily being only one person he did not have a lot of stuff to carry up those stairs. His new place is lovely and he can make it very comfortable! I am not going to know what to do with all the space and all the quiet now!! As parents you know the time has to come for your children to leave but it is always a sad time and yet a happy time, and sometimes - ABOUT TIME!! :)
Saturday 7 July 2007
Shirley Loves Landy!
I love our landy. It is old, steers like an old dodgem car at Gold Reef City, brakes skew - pulls to the left, and is very slow at responding, but i love it!
I drove the truck again today, and managed to get there and back without any mishaps!! It is scary, but I am gaining confidence every time. Double de-clutching is still a major co-ord challenge for me, but I am getting there!
Last weekend we took it to De Wildt out at Ga-Rankuwa way, to a deserted place and drove it through the most amazing places - it was cooool fun. We got jammed against the embankment in one spot where the angle was quite challenging. Kevin hates angles, but we thought we could do this one and it landed up being worse than we thought and scraped the side quite tightly - no harm done though, minor scratch that's all.
It was surprisingly warm and we had a picnic on the top of tennis ball hill -a very loose rocky slippery climb to the top. I had to get out and move one offending rock! Super woman watch out for my muscles!!
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